


It's Not Easy Being a Glowy White Octopus On a Higher Plane of Existence

by Neuriel (Robin)



Category: Stargate - All Series, Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-08
Updated: 2005-12-08
Packaged: 2018-02-14 11:49:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2190603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robin/pseuds/Neuriel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes ascension's not all it's cracked up to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not Easy Being a Glowy White Octopus On a Higher Plane of Existence

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: _Stargate SG-1_ and _Stargate Atlantis_ do not belong to me.  
>  Notes: Not betaed. Complete and utter crack.

Rick sat at a bar, nursing a plane #45x beer.

A familiar, glowing white octopus floated past.

"Hey, Joe," Rick greeted.

"Hey, Rick," Joe replied unenthusiastically. He looked unhappy. Or constipated. It was hard to tell, him being a glowing white octopus and all.

Rick blinked. Or would have, had he real eyes. "What's wrong, Joe? You seem sort of down."

"Oh, it's nothing," Joe sighed, or what amounted to the equivalent of a sigh for glowing white octopi.

Despite Joe's words, Rick was Enlightened and so had the ability to instantly tell the demeanor and emotions and thoughts of every other being in the universe. (In theory, anyway.) Having put his Enlightened powers to good use, he knew something was amiss. He could have just dived into Joe's personal thoughts and history himself to find out what was going on, but he decided it'd be better to hear the story from Joe's own... well, hole. Since he had no mouth, after all.

"Pull up a chair," Rick said. "Can I order you anything? Juice? Waterfall? Enlightened cocktail?"

"A plane #67 waterfall sounds good. With the rainbow transparent swirl, please."

"One Pride Package, bartender," Rick said.

Joe shifted in his seat. Not that he could technically feel discomfort or anything. Feeling was for unenlightened individuals from lower planes of existence.

"So, what's up?" Rick asked.

"Plane #6322 on Wednesdays, Plane #51we%56 on Furlingdays," Joe said, trying to crack a smile.

Rick laughed politely. "You know what I mean."

"Oh... it's... well." Joe shrugged and inhaled his Pride Package, absorbing it and making it a part of his inner core. "Those other beings... the ones from other planes of existence... Sometimes they can... really get to you, you know?"

"Yeah, they can be pretty cliquey," Rick commented, thinking in particular of the uppity bastards from Plane #11x++. Damn things thought they owned the universe just because they'd been the 321st race of beings to ascend. Ha!

"And _mean_ ," Joe added plaintively.

Rick's face darkened metaphorically. "Have those other higher-plane-of-existence beings from #1337 been making fun of you again?"

Joe nodded sadly. "Just because I can't get to plane #984a yet and spend most of my time on plane of existence #89p.0! What's wrong with plane #89p.0? It gets a bad rap, I tell you. The beings there are really nice. They have nice fur and bushy tails, and they eat nuts. How can you hate beings who like nuts? Besides, they like me and respect me, darn it. It's not my fault few of our kind can get past plane #932z7."

"We can't all be Uber higher plane-of-existence beings," Rick agreed. "What a bunch of fuckwits."

"Rick!" Joe exclaimed, shocked. "They'll overhear you."

"They overhear everything," Rick said. "We can all know what's going on at all times in all the planes of existence we can access, remember?"

"Oh. Right." Joe looked vaguely disconcerted. He sighed(?) again, staring moodily at the counter that wasn't actually there. (It was actually on plane #24u.) "Being a lower higher-plane-of-existence being really sucks sometimes."

"Yeah," Rick agreed, downing the rest of his bottle. "And the never-having-sex-thing-unless-you-descend-to-one-particular-plane-of-reality can kiss my ass, too. The whole mind sex thing really doesn't cut it, if you know what I mean. Jesus, I never would have Ascended had I known _that_."

Joe blinked(?).

Rick said: "Joe, take my advice. The next time they decide to get high and mighty with you? Tell them to fuck off."

"What good will that do?"

"It'll show them you've got spine, dammit. That they should go find some glowy orange mantilope from plane #71y if they want to fuck around."

"I'm an octopus, Rick," Joe said, confused. "We don't have spines."

Rick shook his glowy white head. "Never mind. Look, I'm heading out to plane #10oz to watch the omnisexual winged sirens bathe. Wanna tag along?"

Joe perked up. "Really? You mean it? That'd be swell, Rick. You're such a pal."

"Any time, Joe," Rick said.

And so the two glowy white octopi toddled along to plane #10oz to secretly perv on the omnisexual winged sirens. Good times for all.

\-------------------------

The End!

**Author's Note:**

> P.S. I didn't realize it until I'd finished my exam that I'd named the octopi after the leading male actors of the two series. Eeek. It was unintentional, honest. "Rick" just seemed like a good name. I was going to name the other one "Jim," a nice, generic name, but then I realized: "Oh, right. Already used." And "John" was out, obviously, so I went with "Joe."


End file.
